Michelle Kwan didn’t impregnate the olympics…and other meaningless bs

As the Pro Bowl reaches halftime, it’s time to reflect on eventful weekend in sports, or “sports” if you’d rather put it into the perspective it deserves.

Let’s start with that Hawaiian mess they call a pro football all-star game. It’s ironic that the only person who actually cares about the game, Mr. January himself, Peyton Manning, is playing quite possibly the ugliest game of his season. He’s trying so damn hard though, so you almost have to feel for him. Through the first two quarters, he’s thrown 26 times, has played every down, and has lobbed it up for some NFC D-backs three times already. Okay watch me be a reporter — Peyton didn’t have a single game all season where he threw three interceptions, and he’s thrown three in just the first half. He also tried way too hard in the QB challenge and still lost that to Matt Hasselback. Someone tell him he might start to be more successful if he doesn’t take everything so seriously.

But to be devil’s advocate and completely contradict myself, no one cares about the Pro Bowl. There’s nothing riding on the game, and the players play like it. It’s barely watchable. So I guess the fact that Manning is trying so damn hard provides some comedy. But now that he won’t play the second half, lets go back to the unwatchable half-assed play of the true all-stars. I have a solution for all-star games though. This applies much more for the NBA, where no one plays defense and everyone laughs the entire time like its some joke on the fans for actually watching. Make it like a pick-up game. Put something on the line — like the winners get a ride on the Vikings love boat, and then let them play street ball. THAT would be enjoyable.

Onto the other boring-as-hell sports TV, we’ve got the Olympics! All 400 hours on NBC! Bode Miller said something crazy! That skiier almost fell! Snowboarders are doing X-games stunts! Ice skating judges may make a strange score!

The winter olympics suck. Seriously. Here are the three biggest stories so far from the olympics. First, Michelle Kwan didn’t impregnate the olympics…even though I think it would be a much bigger story if she just took her chances and stayed in…in High Definition for the first time ever, only on NBC!

The second story today was that crazy ice racer Apolo Ohno almost fell and won’t win gold. Anyone mind?

Third story has to be the fact that America has a fever…and the only antidote is more gold medals. We’ve forced the Olympic committee to throw in those X-games events that we destroy every year, just so we can up our gold medals. Seriously, we are addicted to medaling. If we don’t get enough gold medals, the terrorists win.  Oh look, that redhead kid one a gold today, and shockingly, we got the silver too. Awesome.

 Hey, at least ‘cuse won. Now all we have to do is beat Villanova, West Virginia, Georgetown and Cincy and we’ll be set for the big dance…

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